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My friend Paul, despite not having a computer or knowing how to use one, has been internet dating for about two years. He does it by getting me to help him, and by ‘help’ I mean doing 95% of the work. His success has been limited, but having been on dates with some of Suffolk’s looniest women we can only assume that ‘the one’ is just around the corner.

Anyway, he wanted some new photographs for his profile(s), so we went out this afternoon and did a bit of a shoot. We looked so gay it was unbelievable. Still, it was a reasonable success and on a day when I haven’t had much time for anything else, I though I may as well use the best ones as today’s post.

The question is: would you date this man?

I should probably have asked him for permission before posting this, but since he would have flatly refused I didn’t bother.

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I found out to my horror today that Beyoncé Knowles is at number one with her appalling new single. I really can’t stand her for several reasons, but it’s chiefly because she’s an advocate of fur. Anyone who not only wears it but promotes it (Jennifer Lopez also springs to mind) should be shot on sight for being stupid beyond all possible redemption. I could have forgiven her for being a talentless puppet – I’m a reasonable man – but enough is enough.

It was no surprise to learn that she didn’t write a word of If I Were A Boy. I feel sorry for any girl who sees her as a role model.

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Regarding the piece above, one of the following statements is true.

1. It is a work of deep spiritual and artistic significance.
2. Hours of careful planning went into its conception, design and production.
3. I needed a night off to do something else and bashed it out in ten minutes.

I’ll leave you to decide.

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Dragging this out for three days may have been painful for you, but it made life easier for me and I’m very selfish like that.

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Here’s a sneak preview of the single sleeve. I hope I’m not jumping the gun!

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Today, with one month until Christmas Eve, I can reveal that I have been working on my bid to be this year’s Christmas number one. Hands up – who guessed songwriting was going to feature in Creative Year? Sadly I haven’t yet managed to create an audio version, but here are the lyrics. It’s called Gaveenio The Italian Wonder Horse and although it’s not especially seasonal I plan to throw in a few sleighbells. It literally never fails.

I needed an Italian to sing it for me, so I wrote down a list of those who would be known to the good folk of Britain and I’m happy to say that talks are at an advanced stage with none other than Fabio Capello! Well, when I say ‘advanced stage’ I mean that I have sent the song to Mr Capello care of the Football Association and am awaiting a response. I’m sure he will like it.

I am also planning to have a kids’ choir who will be doing all the parts in green below.

Well? Would you buy it? An idea of advance sales would be helpful. Thanks.

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Courtesy of the Century Schoolbook font’s extended character set.

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Having just spent the whole night being invasively interrogated by the pun police, I have learned my lesson. I’m truly sorry.

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I’ve already applied for the patent so don’t get any ideas.