176

classifieds

I’m always baffled by people who take time to create classified adverts for things with virtually no value. Are they really so altruistic that they just want to see someone else benefit from their unwanted possessions? The money must barely cover their insertion fees. And there’s always someone asking an absurd amount of money for a PC that’s effectively unusable.

Meanwhile, this final week of Creative Year is no fun at all. I expected to coast to a pressure-free conclusion safe in the knowledge that the finishing post (quite literally) was in sight, but instead I have been struck by severe creative block probably brought on by the subconscious feeling that I’ve already finished. It’s like playing 10 minutes of injury time when you’re already 5-0 down – your heart’s just not in it and you’re longing for the whistle. Anyway, that hopefully explains yesterday’s abysmal offering and I can’t promise that there’s not worse to come.

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18 thoughts on “176

  1. I suggest an “obituary” on the last day Graham!! Maybe you could throw it open to readers!!!

    PS I`m sorry you sound so depressed – look at what you`ve ACHIEVED in six months!!!!!

  2. PPS My father died recently, and although I am a bit of a hoarder myself, I don`t think I have ever come across so much “junk” in my life. I`m sure he never threw anything away during his entire life!!! (Ring any bells with anyone?) However, you have now given me a brilliant idea for disposing of all this rubbish, as we have several of the items that appear in your column. There are indeed several old computers, well out of date now (but that did not work anyway), monitors, keyboards, sachets of coffee and sugar from various outlets, boxes stuffed with used matches (I kid you not), old calendars (well, the dates will coincide again eventually, won`t they?), pads of graph paper (he used to be an electrical engineer), roofing tiles and paving slabs of all shapes and sizes, and as for books – don`t get me started!! (Sadly, I haven`t found any porn yet, but I`m still going through it all, so I live in hope.) You`ve made me laugh again Graham – something that`s much needed at the moment I can tell you – so in my estimation you`ve been 100% successful again today!!!!!

  3. PPPS I know you don`t look at the links Graham, but “Time Keeps on Slippin Slippin Slippin” might have been written for you!! And it`s by “Royal Farris” too – are you quite sure that these are not postings that you`ve put on the site yourself? You couldn`t make it up!!!

  4. You may have been 5-0 down, but you scored one back today, and with 6 minutes (days) to go you can still go on to win!!

    By the way, the second to last post… are all those abbreviations for real or did you make some up? If they are all real, why do you know them all? I think I get TIUTA, but not literally you understand!

  5. I never know what all the abbreviations in personal ads mean, let alone the amusingly excessive ones in the ad second from bottom, right hand column. They could be flogging Russian military equipment for all I know.

    I presumed the porn story would make an appearance sooner or later. Very good.

  6. Well observed, as usual, Graham.

    Some people think it’s a shame that the internet is killing off many regional newspaper titles with the decline in advertising revenues. I’m not one of them.

  7. I’m sure I know the person who is selling all that General Tat. And the phrase ‘Giant Snail On Head’ made me laugh out loud!

    This took me back to the heydays of free ad paper LOOT. The Personal column (900) got taken over by a group of random punsters, placing daft messages as running gags under silly pseudonyms & meeting up in pubs long before the Interweb. I’m still in touch with some of them…

  8. Very funny stuff – love that James Bond joke.

    I thought GSOH meant ‘good standard of hygiene’…

  9. Good stuff.

    The ‘personals’ were the best ones. However, I need a translation for M,19. I’m not up to speed – most of it looks gibberish.

  10. The Personals are the best part of any local paper MJB and always good for a laugh!!! The men in particular list all their attributes: Genuine, solvent, intelligent, reliable, passionate, and so on; and nearly all are absolutely fanatical about animals, coooking, “walks in the countryside”, etc. (I should cocoa!!). If they`re all so fantastic, why the bloody hell do they need to advertise for partners then? The phrase which absolutely creases me up though (and my friends) is “Told good looking”! I mean to say, even if it mattered, what sort of person needs their ego massaged in this ridiculous manner, and what sort of person would make such a patronising remark?

  11. barriejohn – do you mean my obituary? That’s quite possible.

    Rob, the ‘maybe Moore’ line is something I scribbled in a notebook about 15 years ago. I knew I’d find a use for it one day.

    Mike, the abbreviations aren’t in common use but they all stand for something. I don’t think I’ll go into them here as they’re a little bit lewd and I have a reputation to protect…

    Matt, if you’re referring to the dilemma I posted on Twitter then it’s actually a coincidence. I wasn’t thinking of it, at least not consciously.

    Simon – me neither. It sounds like a weak excuse anyway.

    Jeanette – as Rob mentioned, the ‘Giant Snail on Head’ comment was a reference to this. LOOT sounds cool!

    Gavin, that’s probably just as important.

    MJB, you’ll have to use your imagination I’m afraid… but the last one is ‘Won’t Film You On Mobile And Show It To My Mates’.

  12. For those not in the “know”, I think a TIUTA is a “Tiny Intra-Uterine Tickling Appliance”.

    From this comment, you may have surmised that I’m not in the “know”.

    Great post Graham.

  13. Thanks for the advice, Graham.

    Unfortunately, my brain has instructed the ‘imagination department’ not to waste its time on personal ads.

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